Of open doors and windows...

He was cycling fast and harder. He had to reach there in time. The scene of how he pulled out of his bed, jumped around his room and got ready as fast as possible were as much flowing through his mind as were the searches for shortest ways to reach there. He had, till then, somehow controlled his tears. The matters got worse when it started to get cyclonic, and then there was a drizzle. "No wonder, it is gonna turn into a heavy shower to make it even more hostile for me", he wondered.

He was losing hope to make it to his destination. Traffic jams, heavy downpour, shortcuts failing to live up to their reputation, and cycle, which he thought to be a fast ride, remaining to be what it is, all of these were adding to his despair. As he was riding the bicycle, he was transported to a similar situation he faced 6 months ago. He could visualize that scene in front of him. A feeling of Deja Vu, as they say!!!

A lot was going through his mind, which in effect were unknowingly slowing down the speed of the peddling, he was gradually losing the vigour that was prompting him to try a wee bit more to reach to his destination. His subconscious mind had given up already. He was riding just for the sake of it. He came to know of it when he realized that he has suddenly become more observant of the happenings around him and less bothered about peddling the two-wheeler.

The deja vu experience was all the more killing his interest to pursue riding the cycle anymore. It was as if he knew what is going to happen next. And as per that he knew that he was not going to make it in time. 

Trivia like the the guy selling lemon water seemed interesting to him. He found it kind-of-nice, the way the boy gained happiness out of every penny he gained. The kids playing cricket in the adjoining park, the footballers, everything seemed so worthy to him that he did not realize that the rainfall had stopped. 

It was as if he has been dragged out from his bed for the purpose of being woken up. The deja vu experience, owing to which he had thought the same sequence that happened 6 months ago would be repeated had betrayed him.

He realized that it was dream that he was living with open eyes. He rode, and rode fast. Whether he managed to take his exam or not is completely inconsequential in reference to what he learned that day.

His subconscious played down on him. The things became worse for him not because they were situationally so, but because he was quick to climb to the conclusion that he was experiencing a deja vu experience, and lost the will to help himself. The moment he decided to handicap himself, was the moment, he actually handicapped himself.

He lost the vision, the sight that a determined person sees, the open doors and the windows...

Brick walls are there for a reason: they let us prove how badly we want things. Because the brick walls are there to stop the people who don't want it badly enough.

-Randy Pausch

I wish...!!!

On a rainy night, it was no less than a miracle. It was supposedly the last day of college, the farewell party. The party was awesome as it always used to be. By the end of the party, nearly everyone was teary eyed, hugging each other and asking to stay in touch forever. The drizzle taking the form of a thunder shower just added to the beauty of the night. And then there was she, wet in the rain. Girls somehow always manage to look so divine, so pure and so beautiful with their hair wet.

Yes, she was the girl I had loved during college days. Yes, she was the one. Throughout the four college years, I was in awe of her. I admired everything about her, her eyes which casted a magical and binding spell over me, her smile which made my day brighter, it happened always. I so much wanted to tell her that I love her; I always did and will always do. But somehow I always lacked courage.

The more I looked at her, the more I felt that it could be the perfect day; it could be the perfect moment. I had always thought of the way in which I would propose her, but everything seemed to flush out just before the moment. I was wishing if I could get some 10-15 minutes, alone!

A thought of loosing even the bond of friendship was what playing an important role in governing my decision, but I had made my mind. Big decisions always involve risks and relationships at stake, I thought!

Finally, she was there, in front of me. For one moment, I felt it was only me and her. She approached me, and talked of the same promises of staying in touch and stereotypical dialogues like keep smiling. Overlooking these, I asked her to come along with me as I wanted to talk about a few things. She agreed.

Now, there were only the two of us. I had an intuition that it might just be the moment, that special one, that chosen one. I don’t know how I said that much, but this is what I said, “I know you are a bit dazzled, a little confused, slightly surprised and I don’t blame you. When a guy asks you to come along with him for some talk and that too on farewell night, you are ought to be confused! Now without wasting anytime, let me tell you what I have been waiting to tell you for years now.

"I remember the day we first met, I remember the first HI. I remember the first group outing we had when I observed you for a long time and got to know so much about you, I remember the first call, 20 minutes 13 seconds it was, I remember the 20 out of 20 that we got in the first exam. It has been so long since then, and when so many days were passing by, I silently chose you to be the one with whom I want to fight off the sorrows and giggle off the upsets. I have chosen you. Will you choose me?"

Though it was raining, but I could see her eyes were wet. Her silence spoke a million words; the positive vibes that I could feel were expressing a thousand emotions. I could feel that she was waiting for me to say it. As i moved closer to her and hugged her, she whispered in my ear, “I WISH”.

She ran away as if with a wish not to see me again, I felt all the positive vibes around me turning into dark clouds. I could only regret my decision of waiting for the occasion. Perhaps, love doesn’t need an occasion, it just happens, no rhyme, no reason, it just happens!

P.S: you can also find this post here :) 

I wanna grow up once again....!!!!

I got up early morning today, and for some reason, sleep betrayed me for the rest of the morning. It was 6:30 in the morning. Though I have my exams in the coming week, but as it always happens I found other trivia to be far more interesting and worthy. As I was figuring out what to study, I found out some greeting cards, some gifts, the ones that I received during my school time. Suddenly there was a sense of accomplishment that I was feeling. Amazing it was, I felt as if I have unearthed something.

The hand made greeting cards were throwing glimpses of innocence galore. I read all of them, and was left with a smile. I was feeling nostalgic, I could realize that. I was missing those friends of mine, those classes, those class teachers. I had also found a greeting card I had made for my favourite teacher, I never happened to give it. Oh, I was too shy!!

My drawer was full of such things. As I went on digging deep into it, I kept finding more and more things. I was being drawn into emotions. A feeling was starting to creep in. Mixed emotions, if one wanna say. I found one register which I had kept for some "heavenly" reason. It was my Mathematics register. At the end of it, were some silly love games. I now remember the names of all the girls I have studied along with. I could also figure out who was the prettiest girl of our class. The one with whom my love compatibility came out to be least. I know she had to be the one. My luck always sucked at such games. I did not realize I had started to laugh a lil.

During that short span, I had lived my childhood days all over again. I knew I have stopped being what I used to be. Perhaps, change is a part of life. It had to happen for the good.

I got to know how crafty I was or how pathetic at drawing I was, but yes, I used to paint well. I also found out my report cards, my performance sheet which showed my performance at my coaching class. It all felt so nice, so different. 

While I was lost in all the memories, the alarm in my cell phone broke through my reverie. Damn, it was 9. People like me want an alarm to get up at even nine in the morning. I collected all the precious priceless belongings and kept them together in a place and in a form where they would resist wear and tear.

As I opened my book, I took out a pen and wrote.....

"Try your best and the due would automatically come to you at appropriate time"

It was a line my teacher used to tell me. 

I wrote --> I smiled................

Marching past, are the best days of my life..

I know, in the near future there will come a day when I will get up to the feeling when Monday won't provide me the joy of going to college, when a holiday won't mean as much fun and relief as it does now. I know I am very near towards the end of the 4 most beautiful years of my life. I am already feeling the nostalgia, this being also due to the fact that I am more emotional than most guys are.

Today when I sit down to write this post, all the memories come flashing back. For the first time in these 4 years, I feel like attending classes, I miss those lectures not for the "knowledge" imparted but for the bond they strengthened between me and 55 others who went through it with me. I miss those labs which served some other purpose than what they intended to do.

When I stroll past the campus, the old memories march past me. I have, for long been fearing the farewell day, and as time passed, it kept nearing by. And it happened, Yesterday!!!

Much like most of my college mates, I feel I ain't ready to take on the outside world, I call it outside because NSIT, my college, sheltered me for so long. It was a home, a place which I have dated for 4 long years. A place which has done more than bringing about a worthy change in me. A place which saw a boy turning into a man.

I know the day is approaching when I would for the last time walk past NSIT Nescafe, when for the last time, I would enter NSIT labs, when my NSIT hostel room would have to be vacated. I might never again get to lie  with all the friends in the admin (for some reason, the admin always seemed breezier even if it was 40 degrees). 

Well, I guess, it is genuine enough to say that I have spent and lived through the most memorable years of my life and it would really be harsh to expect that life gives me another such phase, another such time-period when I would be in love with everything around me. It is a no-brainer that i'll miss NSIT for all that it gave and all that it took away. 

Words betray me today when I need them in rife

marching past, are the best days of my life....!!!